I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
