Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
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Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
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You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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