We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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