I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
