hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
