The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
