but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
