definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
