I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
from now on my penis is your penis
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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