I feel great
I just peed on a car
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
