Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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