I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
