Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
