Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
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I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.