the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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