he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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