Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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