When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
