Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
