I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
