You're my little dorito
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
