She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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