she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't turn off my feet"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
