someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
