Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
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You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
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So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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