I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
