she was so not down for the gang bang
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
