life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
