I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
