everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize