I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
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