I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
