Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(216): View more from Ohio

He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com

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(530): View more from California

before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake

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(224): View more from Illinois

She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(646): View more from New York

but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered

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(937): View more from Ohio

Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.

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(740): View more from Ohio

That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex

(513): View more from Ohio

STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS

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