I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
