we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I pour the whiskey from now on