You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
