Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
