So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Randomize
