Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one