apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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