He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
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If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.