I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head