so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
