CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
