I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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