God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
