I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
