someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
