I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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