yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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