dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
