your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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