You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
