I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
