after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
