in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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