so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
