I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
