Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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