When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
