He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
