so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will pee on everything he values.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
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