I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
