Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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