Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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