So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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